Feline diabetes and (human) hair experimentation and free rent

Zellouisa was back at the vet this morning. $350 for two visits this week. She is a confirmed diabetic. So for the rest of her life, she’ll be getting special care. For now, but not for long, I can just mix her regular food with the special food. Soon she will have to get portioned food twice a day.

I did something wacky to my hair. I need to try to correct the problems with it, and then I’ll actually explain what it is that I did.

The new frigerator is not enough to keep me here at Woods Edge. I got a call from a rental person at a complex near Brier Creek a few minutes ago telling me about their weekend special–one month free rent. So even though the rent is really way more than I should pay, when I factor in that the electric bills should be half what they are here and that I’m close to the airport (which hopefully will not matter for much longer) and closer to friends (which I’m not sure matter since their lives are so divergent from mine at this point), it’s a decent deal.

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Current Mood, in MP3 form

Listen

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The Hours

I’m not the same person I was a week ago. I have been angry and bitter and hurtful, and I need to stop. No one else need take the wrath for my hollowness of convictions or dearth of self-esteem. This is not the person I was once or wish to be. I swear this is the case. But there are no excuses for who I am now. NP: Philip Glass: The Hours. Good soundtrack for self-reflection and committing to turning things around.

Is there anything else I can do to have those Sunday night plans? Anything?

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And speaking of Christians…

(from )

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That rant against evangelical Christians…

Well, if LJ didn’t decide to process my request to turn that to private…so now I must have sealed the deal with anyone looking to have a favorable impression of me. There’s zero chance of that now.

I’ve had two days to think about it, and I’m really not THAT hateful. I don’t hate the people; I hate their ideas. Too late, you say? Oh, well…

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Yahoo Notepad – 11/4/04

[Okay, now I'm friggin embarrassed, because Tom from Datacraft could be reading this. Public doesn't really mean public. People I don't explicitly tell about this this LJ aren't supposed to know about it. But I'm on a Public entry streak, so here goes today's thoughts from BellSouth...]

[10:15AM]
Back hurts. Heart hurts. Soul hurts. Wallet hurts. Entrenched in a murky sludge of anger and depression.

Getting really sick of being five feet away form my nearest coworker without any kind of barrier. This work environment blows chunks.

[11:40AM]
The soothing power of Mix 181. NP: The Rainbow Connection by Kermit The Frog. Unfortunately, I cannot listen to Toastie Radio here as streaming music is blocked. But listening to this mix reminds of the my gentler self, compared to the bitter self that has taken control in recent days. My gentler self is still hopelessly romantic and cautiously optimistic that there will come a day when a flood of happiness will envelop me.

[11:47AM]
Further addendum to last note. NP: I’ll Never Tell from Buffy: Once More With Feeling. It makes me happy. :)

[2:47PM]
L.A. Times Exit Polling
Going to church
% of all voters Bush Kerry
Weekly or more 42% 65% 34
Less than that 58 42% 57

Pundits say dems need to appeal to socially conservative voters. Uh, no. Dems need to figure out how to get people to stop going to church!

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Yahoo Notepad – 11/3/04

[Yesterday's Yahoo Notepad entries]

[Start 1:22PM] This day is becoming exceedingly difficult to traverse. I realized that despite my advance, I will be broke shortly, as I don’t get my real first check until the 10th. Bush has offically won, and the smug looks on the FOX News anchors on the breakroom TV fill me with bile that I cannot find a suitable repository for. I still have no real work to do. We had a “lunch and learn” from Remedy folks about Version 6. I simply don’t care. Once again, I have confirmed with myself that this is not a career. This is not something I will ever enjoy doing. This isn’t even something I can make a comfortable living at, because despite my current level of earnings, I am quite uncomfortable here in Atlanta. The only really positive thing to happen in the past month was just a twisted joke from the Fates. Optimism every so briefly appeared and then dashed away, mocking me.

I am losing another battle. The war does not appear winnable. I have no choice but to persist, though. If it were not for two needy felines and immediate family members that require my existence, I’m not sure if I would persist.

On a less fatalistic note, I have forsaken caffeine and soda for the past day and a half. I’ve had only water and juice to drink, mostly water. Oh, and I’ve had plenty of wine–pinot grigio. I think I can be strong enough to give up something that is not helping me. I am fatigued whether I drink five Diet Cokes a day or not, so I might as well drink lots of water and flush out as many artificial elements as possible. And I’ve been eating stuff from Whole Foods, which I did almost daily over the summer and which I stopped doing when Datacraft laid me off. There’s one two miles from the hotel, so I should take advantage of it.

[4:07PM] I’ve had the melancholy tones of the last minute of Howard Shore’s The Bridge of Khazad Dum from Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship in my head all day as the gloom over the election (and everything else) has continued to sink into my soul. Fox News has been on the breakroom TV all day, and I haven’t bothered to change it to CNN like I’ve done every other day. Why bother? Fox News IS America. This is America. The media is saying that the Democratic party doesn’t know what it stands for and that it may have to become used to being the minority party for a generation. They’re right. I want the Democratic party to be the liberal party, but it will never reach the hearts of the people in those red states. Their “values” are so opposed to mine. Actually, I don’t even think I have values. “Values” is a loaded term. People who constantly talk about values imply that there is only one set of correct values. Someone who doesn’t care about marriage or believes in gay marriage doesn’t have “strong values”. Ok, I’m going to stop now, before I go on some long, rambling discourse that reveals that I don’t know what I’m talking about.
[4:20PM] I want to get out of here. This day is going slowly considering I was in two meetings. I guess it doesn’t help when lunch is provided and I don’t leave the premises at all. Yesterday, I ate lunch in the breakroom. I’m trying to get a legitimate 40 hours in this week. Regardless of it if I do that, it will be such a relief to head out at 11:30 on Friday to head for the airport.

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A Silent 9/11

This twisting of my gut, this absolute hopelessness both in myself and the world, reminds me of what I felt right after 9/11 when I’d try to go to sleep. I know the following comment will seem so far left and off-the-wall, but I feel like re-electing Bush is like a 9/11, except just quitier. Thousands will die due to poor health care. Dozens or hundreds will die due to the easing of restrictions on guns. Thousands will develop breathing problems and new cancers due to Bush’s environmental (non)-policies. And I really do think there is a greater chance of massive destruction on American soil from terrorism with Bush having been re-elected. So I really do think Bush’s re-election means a greater loss of life and worse quality of life as compared to what the world would be like with a President Kerry.

Anyway, I was feeling hopeless about my own life right before 9/11, and that catastrophe just made matter much worse. I’d been feeling similar hopelessness of late, and now this.

And I’m writing because I can’t fall asleep.

I want to wake up tomorrow and say “To hell with that!” referring to the state of American politics. I want to not let such things bother me, and then I want to stop feeling sorry for myself and commit to improving myself in every way. I do not want to be depressed.

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Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself, and 55 million other people

Kerry has lost. Zellouisa has diabetes. I have a wounded heart.

I spent five days a week away from home. I glean a null amount of satisfaction from my job. I am woefully out of shape with the ability to do something about it compromised by various ailments.

This is where I’m at, one month shy of 29. This is the state of things. This is public, and this will remain public. It is now pointless to hide most things.

How does an introverted, depressed, liberal survive in a loud, obtuse, conservative world?

I don’t know…

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It’s Over

James Carville just said it’s basically over, so it must be over. This is devastating. I think I ought to try to get to sleep. I don’t know what happens next. I can’t stand the other side. There’s so little common ground.

This is bleak.

Tags: election 2004, politics
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