Toastie Soundtrack #63

First, it’s time to retire my ridiculous song-of-the-day post titles. That was a remnant of the defunct Toastie Radio. Actually, all of these songs have been a part of my mental soundtrack at some point in my life, however insane that may seem to everyone else. So, I’ll just refer to these posts with the title of “Toastie Soundtrack” going forward.

This bombastic piece of the Last of the Mohicans score has been in my mental soundtrack since 1992. It was supposed to motivate me to have the courage to talk to a girl. As typical of that time in my life, I kept quiet for awhile, unable to make the simplest conversation. And then, in a moment of delirium, I’d open the floodgates and pour out emotions that had no place in a conversation between 16-year-olds who barely knew each other. And, honest to God, I truly didn’t know any better.

Some of you who know me probably don’t think I’ve gotten much better over the years. Truly, I have. But also, unfortunately, I’ve found myself regressing over the last few years.

I’m a pod person who gets hooked up to a machine three times a week. I’m often told, “Most people can’t work full-time and do dialysis”. No shit. I can’t do it. I mean, I am doing it, but barely. It’s not a routine I do. I stumble to the finish line of my week each and every week, barely conscious of how I did it. I feel so broken down, so overloaded with physical and mental stress. I manage to get through because I don’t really have a choice.

I’m 35, and I need to be living my life, not slogging through it half-dead. And so I attempt to do more than work and go to dialysis. This involves some degree of socializing. And, like I implied before, I used to be terrible at any sort of socializing, gradually got better over the years, and now have regressed because I can’t figure out for the life of me what I bring to the table in any sort of relationship. I feel like I need to take far more than I’m able to give. And I cannot, in good conscience, try to make a connection that will have such a dynamic.

Where am I going with this? Nowhere else, right now. Just rambling. When I say ‘no comments’, I often forget to set that flag, so I won’t bother. Comments or not, I’m just venting because it’s mid-Sunday, and I would like to get through the rest of my weekend in some productive manner.

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