Random thoughts as I struggle with insomnia tonight…

Bandage on right index finger making typing difficult. I piece of nail broke off; it’s probably due to some vitamin deficiency since I don’t eat a balanced diet.

Have been struggling with chest cold for a week, kept awake at night by cough. Can’t take Nyquil as I can’t afford to miss work on account of sleeping until 1PM like I did back on Sunday.

Due to coughing, random sudden naps, who knows, my back is killing me.

I wish my pre-dialysis fatigue would surge right now just so I can get to sleep.

But fatigue is probably trumped by anxiety.

Anxiety at work…there’s always anxiety at work…three distinct reasons for it at the moment.
1. Workload problem now being tackled by micro-management. I have to set weekly goals and track progress against them. This is not the week for me to be starting this. It really doesn’t help me at all. And I don’t think it’s going to help my manager understand why stuff doesn’t get done.
2. Blunt reminder that, even if organization could afford latest versions of software I specialize I, I’d probably be relegated to supporting the legacy system while a contractor set up the new system. Professional development be damned.
3. HR and manager tried to help me figure out my “options” for after I go on dialysis. I did not want to think about this today, and they have no good options to offer, instead insisting that I plan on the “chance” that dialysis will render me incapable of working a close-to-full schedule. I told them that I go to work feeling crap all the time now and plan to continue doing so, and that I have no choice because I have no savings to absorb the income loss of reduced hours. Unless they have a sack of money to give me, they can’t help.

In a little more than 24 hours, I’ll be heading out of North Carolina for a mini-vacation for myself, a pre-dialysis escape from the all-of-the-above (as I expect my physical ailments to magically disappear, too). Undisclosed location, because I’m kinda sick of the Facebook-knows-everything-about-you way of living. If you do happen to know where I’m off to, please don’t post anything to my wall. Yes, I know, no one really cares where I’m going. The point is, it’s a trip by myself planned on short notice with the sole intent of getting away to clear my head for a few days.

When I return, I’ve got nothing planned. No social activities. No goals. No happy, shiny thoughts that will get me out of bed each morning. Surely, it is clear that this isn’t just about going on dialysis. But that doesn’t help. Not at all.

The web is filled with blogs and videos from all sorts of inspiring people who have wonderful attitudes in the face of staggering adversity. This isn’t one of those blogs. I’m not one of those people.