As I did a few weeks ago, I’m pasting in an old journal entry, with some stuff censored so as not to reveal sensitive details. I can’t quite articulate why, on Novemer 30, 2008, it is important for me to share this.
If there were, hypothetically, 100 chemical conditions in the human brain that were necessary for one to act on suicidal thoughts, I’ve got most of them. I’ll never have all of them. So no worries. I am not going to kill myself…
That being said, I can so understand why others do. I’m in one of those 10/10 depressions now. There is no way out of it other than time. I will get to sleep eventually tonight, and I’ll probably be down to an 8 or a 6 or a 4 or a 2 when I awake after an extended sleep session sometime around noon or so.
At the moment, though, what does a 10/10 feel like?
Like I wish I could somehow let the world know that I almost wish I were dead, and that letting the world know would cause someone to be able to do something about it. Thing is, I know no one can do anything. My therapist can’t do anything. I called X earlier tonight, when I had had a fair amount to drink at [...] and sat in a parking lot pondering what stupid thing I might do next. I don’t really think I needed to call X to prevent me from doing anything stupid. X had no magic words. And as I tell X when X asks me a question like, “Why is it that you suppose you don’t cry here [in session]?” and I say that I pay X. Even if X cares about me, it’s all based on me paying for the service of having X listen. It’s not much different than paying a prostitute for physical intimacy. You pay a therapist to listen to you. It’s not “real”. I don’t break down and cry in front of my therapist because, ultimately, if I stop paying X, X is not going to be there to listen to me anymore.
Anyway…I have no emailed or called anyone else tonight to vent to..there is no one.
I have stared at my computer, tabbed back and forth between [...] and [...], trying to figure out some one who’d be able to…I don’t f*cking know…there is no one….
I was going to try to explain what 10/10 depression was like…
- The almost wanting to kill self
- Hating self
- Seeing no hope for meaningful improvement
- Inability to do anything else other than ruminate on the depression
- The weight of every sadness, failure, disappointment…it all seems unbearable
This is my life, much of the time. Very few people understand this. No one can do anything about it.
I really don’t care that this guy in particular was pardoned, as I have no compelling opinion on whether or not he deserved one. He seems to have accidentally killed the bald eagles, but it also seems that for someone whose got “hunting heritage” in his family, he should’ve known what poisons were banned.
To me, the issue illuminated George W. Bush’s priorities. This is a man who ignored dozens of pleas from Texas death-row inmates asking for their sentences to be commuted. This is a man who, in his final weeks in office, is reversing federal rules that protect people from pollutants. This is a man who, at least in name, is presiding over an economic catastrophe and two awful wars. Meanwhile, thousands of Americans have had their lives destroyed by ridiculous mandatory sentences for drug-related crimes; Bush isn’t pardoning them.
Bush is generally seen as doing next-to-nothing to salvage his trainwreck of a Presidency in its waning days. But he’s bothered to find the time and courage to pardon a guy who killed a couple of eagles. He’ll probably erect a room in his presidential museum as a shrine to his mercifulness.
The wonderful Ashley Sue tagged me a couple of weeks ago, and I have yet to play, until now. I was tagged back in March for a similar task, upon which I listed 10 fun facts about myself.
The rules go something like this:
Link your original tagger(s), and list these rules on your blog.
Share 7 facts about yourself in the post – some random, some weird.
Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names and the links to their blogs.
Let them know they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment on their blogs and/or Twitter.
So now I’ll try to think up 7 things that I don’t recall having mentioned here in 2000+ previous posts…
1. I worked at a Pathmark supermarket as a cashier while in high school in North Brunswick, NJ
2. I collected TV Guides a child for a few years in the mid-80s. I used to reread them over and over again, thus learning vast amounts of useless trivia that would serve little productive purpose in years to come. I threw them all out in a dramatic fit sometime aroung eighth grade.
3. I don’t grow stubble and beards because I’m trying for a particular look. I just despise shaving and have never found a razor that provides the ideal combination of comfort and efficiency.
4. On Valentine’s Day circa 1991, I walked a mile in the snow to put a dozen roses in the mailbox of a girl I had had a crush on. Some reading this will no doubt wonder if I’ve learned my lesson regarding such behavior in the ensuing years. I probably haven’t.
5. I hate the movie The Matrix.
6. I was very upset when the television show Benson was canceled. I wanted to know who won the election. For some convoluted reason, Benson was running against The Governor. (I found some healing information on Wikipedia).
7. I’ve finally upgraded WordPress after two years on 2.1. I’m now running 2.6.5. I’m probably going to change themes shortly and try to take advantage of some newer WP functionality. How I go about organizing with both tags and categories will be an interesting challenge. This WP upgrade is not something fun or interesting about me, but I’m throwing it out there for lack of a seventh item jumping out at me.
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Now, as for tagging seven other people/blogs…it was hard enough to find five people last time. This is a cop-out, but if you are reading this and have a blog, consider yourself tagged!
John Aniston (yes, Jennifer’s dad) is still playing old-man Victor Kiriakis on Days Of Our Lives, still cranky and barking remarks like, “That little bitch!”
It’s 2:13PM on a Saturday afternoon. I am sitting in my cubicle at work, following a morning “maintenance window”. It’s over, but I’m still here. I’ve eaten a Stouffers microwavable panini sandwich washed down with a bottle of Diet Sunkist. I have no definitive plan to get up and go home. I have no plan for the rest of the day, rest of the weekend, or rest of the year, for that matter.
I wonder if this is Acceptance. It’s not Depression, but, somehow, it is probably worse.
I was just watching my favorite DVD as background while I attend to more unpleasant business on the laptop. I generous watch the film in English. No English version on YouTube, and I’m not about to start pirating DVDs myself.
If anyone has even a fair opinion of this film, I highly recommend obtaining the DVD to take a look at the deleted scenes. Usually, it’s obvious why scenes have been deleted. In the case of these scenes, the director just had to cut stuff so as not to have a three-and-a-half hour romantic comedy. I’d love to see a three-and-a-half-hour director’s cut of this film.
